FROM THE DESK

colors and promises

November 8, 2013, the strongest typhoon ever to have made landfall swept its way to the Philippines, particularly in Region 8, the Visayas. Some people who were not directly hit by the typhoon have found everyone in the affected areas OA (over acting) for causing a fuss on the national TV. Some people took it very lightly as they have not experienced the suffering that the people from the affected areas have felt. They criticized and even blamed the people of Samar and Leyte for not preparing even with all the warnings the previous days. But, honestly… who could have prepared for a storm surge? Who could have prepared for a 314 km/h strength of the wind? WHO WOULD HAVE NOT WANT TO PREPARE FOR THAT? As sure as I’m breathing, everyone in the area did their part in the preparations… it was just an event no one could ever…

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If I had a cigarette

creditds to hoberebel @ tumblr

If I had a cigarette

I would go out at times like this

I would excuse myself to have a cigarette break

To be far away from the awkward silence

To be far away from emotional tension

If I had a cigarette

I would go out and smoke

I would think about what I said and what the person said

I would realize many things

The truths and the lies

I would eventually cry

I would lament the situation I’m in

I would be in sorrow for the lies

I would cry and nobody would know why

Because I had a cigarette

And that’s an excuse to have a profound moment

If I had a cigarette

I would allow it to calm me down

To be fogged by the thoughts of the unknown

I would probably be the wisest person

I would probably be writing songs

I would find answers at every exhale of a circular smoke

If I had a cigarette…

But I don’t have a cigarette

and I don’t smoke

So I am here stuck in the present

Stagnant to the shallow thoughts of human being

**creditds to hoberebel @ tumblr for the picture**

Shower

Isn’t it funny how comforting the bathroom could be? I’m talking about showering and not the pooping, just so you know.

Anyway, it is somehow therapeutic to my emotional part of the brain. Once the cold water falls down to my skin, it numbs me in a gentle way. And from that moment of numbness, thoughts came rushing in like a coursing river. I cannot just settle at one thought. It will just lead me to another.

Tonight, I decide to shower with warm water. I learned that warm water can stimulate your senses and it has its own benefits too. Indeed, it was refreshing and calming to myself especially tonight.

Tonight, I wondered. Doubted. I asked myself again if am I really the person whom I thought I was. I asked myself if am really a leader, a good servant leader or maybe just a good friend. I keep asking myself did I make a difference already or have I been wasting my quarter-life? Did I?

I keep wondering and wondering about myself. I am not obsessed with myself. I just want to discover where or how should I function here. I keep thinking about my mistakes. But little of my achievements if there is any.

Is there? Could there be anyone who would be honest to tell me who really am I? Because as of the moment, the warmth of the water tells me that I am who I am. I am different. That it is time to give myself some slack.

So, I did. But I just really need someone to tell me that. Honestly.

Vulnerability

I’ve been really thinking a lot about how my college life, academically speaking, went. Sometimes I would caught myself staring to nothingness and just realized that I was such a horrible student. I would blank out and just experience a sudden change of mood- from something cheerful to something close to depression. I keep thinking about my mistakes and regrets. And yes I know I should stop thinking about it; that I should be focusing on the things I learned or those mistakes just made me strong. But it isn’t easy. If I keep on suppressing myself from thinking, it’s as if I’m lying to myself. And though as time goes by it will become my truth, still I would back track to that the same moment that I fail. It will just keep hurting me.

I want to acknowledge these negative thoughts. It is not because I want to feel bad about myself or that I want other people to pity or to put attention to myself. Don’t get me wrong but although I am bummer, I don’t want any attention- lime-lighting kind of attention. It is just that for me, sadness could be comforting sometimes. Vulnerability is something that makes me human. I think it is also my purpose to acknowledge that.

To be sad about something is much easier than to look for something to be happy about. This world is like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Deceiving. There’s so much good in it but you would also know that there are consequences. The happiness just fades away as soon as you can taste the bitterness. Suddenly, you have forgotten how a sweet life taste.

I am not encouraging depression. But for me, there something priceless you’ll find in experiencing that shear reality of vulnerability.

 

The Amazing Spiderman Mind Battle

To my surprise, I am still in denial about the death of Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy in The Amazing Spiderman. She should not die because Andrew Garfield and her is perfect and no one should come in between. 

I just hope she would still be MJ in part 3 and not Shailene Woodley. My gosh. No way.

Anyway, I just had to say it because I don’t think anyone would understand my sentiment to such petty things. I just can’t get over it.

 

Tough World

It was my first day to attend that particular class. I was absent for a few sessions since I am having hard time juggling my internship and that class. (Fortunately, as of today I’m done with my internship).

I was really in a hurry. I am running late and on that day, we’ll have our first quiz. I had to ride three vehicles just to reach to my boarding house to change and go directly to school.

To make things worse, I entered a room classroom. I saw that the people weren’t the people I excepted them to be. My friends were there and I am really sure I am not in that class. For an irregular, it is such a pain to not have your friends as your classmates. Anyway, so I told them I am running late and I don’t know what room is our class. I struggled hard looking for my study load in my bag. Finally, I got the hold of it and ran to class.

It was really funny because if I was to observe myself from afar, I could tell that I am really struggling hard.

I reached the classroom and hoping that it didn’t started yet. I opened slowly the door to not bother anyone. But of course, the door got stuck and so I had to pull it harder to open it. As soon as I exerted all my efforts, I slowly made my way to the back of the room where there was no seat. The teacher was already taking the attendance and I had to make to my INVISIBLE seat before he would call my family name. I could see him, watch me as I try hard not to make any noise. I don’t actually know if I did get the attendance that day or not. I didn’t bother. I am too tired to think about it at that moment.

And so, the back row people really left a space for my INVISIBLE chair. Well because I don’t really want to actually sit on an invisible chair, I painfully took the broken seat at the corner of the classroom. I had no other choice. I don’t want to go out and search for another seat. So, I drag the broken seat to that space.

It wasn’t actually that broken. The arm of the chair was the one broken but it was still present there and it cannot be detached. I tried but with negative results. I had to adjust to that God-forsaken chair because the exam was going to start any time soon.

But of all the buts, the teacher just continued with a discussion. It was a bittersweet feeling. It was a relief because I haven’t really studied about the lessons yet. It was a painful one because I had to go through all those ninja moves just to arrive in that room with the complete parts of my body. This teacher doesn’t really know how it feels like to be student I guess. In my broken seat, I was thinking that maybe he was always a teacher’s pet and he doesn’t have to work that much for his grades. Maybe partly because he was really intelligent.

I calmed myself down so that I can listen to the discussion. Instead, my sweat that was furiously dripping off my forehead was really bother me. I could hear my lungs taking in the effects of all those running. And my heart, oh my heart, was really beating really fast. I was really uneasy. I couldn’t concentrate.

 Add to it is the humiliation you get, when sitting on a chair where no one else would seat. Imagine, the whole class stared at you as you slowly drag that chair and you sit on it. I don’t actually know what they’re thinking but in my mind, I guess they were already perplexed on my actions. Maybe they were thinking that they would never do that. Or maybe they’re thinking that I really deserve that for being late. Or maybe they took pity of me but wouldn’t dare to trade chairs with me. Who would do that anyway?

 So, I was just there. Present but not actually participating. I was in my own mind palace. Filtering the noise of my teacher and my classmates. And I could feel annoyance and the irritating feeling of feelings crept to me. I only have myself to be blamed for this situation.

I was there present on a chair of shame. I could really feel the shame and humiliation. I was really there. And I know I could not erase that. I just hope to fade away at that moment. I hope I am already forgotten. But no, I was there and I could really feel the earth beneath me. I could feel some eyes questioning if I am comfortable with my seat or not. Of course not. I am not entirely pleased with it.

Nevertheless, at that moment, I realized how hard it is to be really down and humiliated. It is a tough world, especially if no one would really dare to help you because they might be reprimanded by a higher being for being nice and all. No one would dare trade his or her position so that you could be in a comfortable seat. No one would and that’s a shame because I hold on to humanity as much as possible until then.

I think in their defense, the situation was quite crucial because the teacher might get irritated with all the commotion and all.

 But all I’m pointing out is, how com it is really hard to help? How come being low or humble or maybe having humility could be so painful?

 It is really indeed a tough world, with tough questions and choices.