Bummer

Dear,

Do you know that feeling when you just feel not doing anything for the day? Well, I kind of had that one today.

I was really lazy to the extent of watching Friends the whole day. (except for the times when I had to go to school for 4 hours)

image

Way to go, self!

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I felt tired, lazy, and sick even though I was not. I just really want to finish our thesis because I really want to chill guilt free.

It’s like I lost motivation to move forward. We actually had this second screening for Analog Devices Techno week due next Friday. I was really hyped up until tonight when I saw that the other thesis group who had our adviser too got their paper published in IEEE. I did not envy them. If anything I am discourage. Not to the fact that they’re good but because we are not that good. And we didn’t had that opportunity that they had.

I know that’s not a logical reason to get discouraged. They had that opportunity and we have this one. Its just that it seems our adviser is more confident on them than with us. I know we are not that smart but its kind of bumming me out. I hope they gave all of the thesis group a shot in that conference. But anyway whatever they call only the smartest ones so we won’t waste anybody’s time.

Sigh. I wish  somehow somebody would put their confidence on me. I hope someday someone would put their trust on me and say that I can do it. Its really nice to hear words of affirmation and compliment once in awhile.

I am praying I’ll get that tomorrow. haha

image

So anyway I am happy for those who had their paper published. It’s certainly something to be proud of. I pray someday I’ll make people proud.

Better get moving.

Feeling tired and hopeful,
P.

Just an update

Wow how long has it been already since I wrote something in here (and in a hardcopy journal)? It’s again a struggle to find time to write about what happened to my life for almost everyday. It is even hard to try once a month.

But anyway, I’m here again. Despite the rush of my academic and social life(as if I had one), I’m glad I am writing this now. Well, supposedly I should be doing our thesis right no. But I’ve been doing my part for weeks already with futile results and I swear if I ever see tonight another syntax on web development I’ll have a mental breakdown. Seriously, this thesis making got me really stressed. Although, I wasn’t at first but as the final defense draws nearer I freak out more each day. I am also getting frustrated in doing my part because it is really difficult and I still don’t have results and since I do not major in web development. I had to do the studying of all these codes and whatsoever. I am just a little happy because after all these, at least I gained a new skill. Yeaaaayyy!

I really wanted to learn new skills like writing using my left hand or maybe photographic memory or play an instrument. I just don’t have the luxury of time. I even get guilty sometimes when I get rest because there is this pending to-do things for our thesis and I still have to study for exams. Ugh gosh!

I promise if ever I’m done with all of these I’ll do whatever things I wish to do. No guilt trip.

But for now, I need to rest because it has been a tiring day. And if I do something academic related its going to be unproductive anyway. I think that’s all for now. I pray I’ll be able to write tomorrow too. 🙏

Ciao,
P.

5.0 mp phone camera

I don’t have Instagram for some reasons. To mention some, it is because I don’t want to take care another social media network(likes are just too tiring to care about) and I don’t have a camera. But ever since I borrowed my friend’s phone because I had to use it to read pdfs in class, I experienced a growing fonder to taking pictures. Well, it isn’t that new at all.

During high school, when my parents bought a digital camera I always bring it at school and take random shots. Like real random! Like every single day! I just want to take candid shots or maybe a scenic one. I really wanted to capture every moment and detail. Sometimes it will be blurry but I was fine with it. Blur gives some action or indicates that pictures are alive and breathing.

So as of this January, I have once again dived into this habit of taking random pictures. (Thanks to my friend.) Especially that I constantly use this VSCO app to enhance my pictures. It’s effects are really amazing and subtle. I like how it feels and the texture. It doesn’t over-do a certain filter. I fell in love once again to still moments.

Here are some of my favorites taken with this 5.0 megapixels camera phone. However, I am really satisfied with it.

Processed with VSCOcam with b5 preset Processed with VSCOcam with t1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with m5 preset   Processed with VSCOcam with b5 preset  cbelskar2 C360_2014-12-25-10-53-29-550 C360_2014-12-26-11-59-13-457 C360_2014-12-26-13-49-06-052 C360_2014-12-26-16-57-11-016 C360_2014-12-26-16-58-50-346 C360_2014-12-26-17-02-54-233 C360_2014-12-26-17-06-05-965 C360_2014-12-27-12-43-54-359 C360_2014-12-27-12-44-07-081

General Answer to a Specific Question

It is unsettling when people don’t tell you the truth.

I mean, when you ask them they would answer with a general answer. I wonder if my questions are too general to start with.

It’s crazy because it’s like they don’t want me to be with them or they are hiding something.

I know I may not be a really close friend but I just hope people would answer you truthfully. I wouldn’t even force myself to be with the group. I know you are in a different level than mine. I know I suck and I am boring.

Sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong or what. But I don’t recall of having too much interaction with them to lead to making a mistake. I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just too lame for them.

See, I get so self pity. I hate it. I know I should not feel that way.

Maybe they’re telling the truth or they don’t want to offend me too much. Or I don’t know.

I hope I can just let this go easily.

So stupid of me to even think about it.

I don’t wear make-up

I don’t do make up not because I don’t like it.

It actually improves your face. So I like it in some considerable way.

But I don’t wear make up because I don’t know how to do it

I just mess everything up just like how I mess up my life.

I get uneven results even if I do it in the day light.

I don’t do make up because I don’t know how to maintain it

I will accidentally forget I had one on and just brush the paints away.

It is hard maintaining your face once you use a make up.

Since you had to keep your face clean afterwards. And I really hate delaying

my appointment to bed just because I had to cleanse my face.

I want to have make up but I am scared of allergies and pimples. I don’t know how to treat it kindly.

I don’t know how to avoid it all.

But if I had to use, I would choose a hypoallergenic make-ups or that is cannot

be easily erased.

I like putting eye liner to other people. But it is hard to put one on mine.

But I haven’t mastered that art yet. However I am satisfied to the stage I am in

I don’t use make up not because I am a man.

But it can be expensive and I don’t want to spend my money on such things.

And I don’t want to settle with bad qualities.

I don’t use make up because I am lazy to put it on everyday.

and most of all

I avoid wearing make up

because I am scared when people get used to your face having make up

that when you decide to show your bare face

they’ll get shocked but mostly their expression is with disgust

Shower

Isn’t it funny how comforting the bathroom could be? I’m talking about showering and not the pooping, just so you know.

Anyway, it is somehow therapeutic to my emotional part of the brain. Once the cold water falls down to my skin, it numbs me in a gentle way. And from that moment of numbness, thoughts came rushing in like a coursing river. I cannot just settle at one thought. It will just lead me to another.

Tonight, I decide to shower with warm water. I learned that warm water can stimulate your senses and it has its own benefits too. Indeed, it was refreshing and calming to myself especially tonight.

Tonight, I wondered. Doubted. I asked myself again if am I really the person whom I thought I was. I asked myself if am really a leader, a good servant leader or maybe just a good friend. I keep asking myself did I make a difference already or have I been wasting my quarter-life? Did I?

I keep wondering and wondering about myself. I am not obsessed with myself. I just want to discover where or how should I function here. I keep thinking about my mistakes. But little of my achievements if there is any.

Is there? Could there be anyone who would be honest to tell me who really am I? Because as of the moment, the warmth of the water tells me that I am who I am. I am different. That it is time to give myself some slack.

So, I did. But I just really need someone to tell me that. Honestly.

Vulnerability

I’ve been really thinking a lot about how my college life, academically speaking, went. Sometimes I would caught myself staring to nothingness and just realized that I was such a horrible student. I would blank out and just experience a sudden change of mood- from something cheerful to something close to depression. I keep thinking about my mistakes and regrets. And yes I know I should stop thinking about it; that I should be focusing on the things I learned or those mistakes just made me strong. But it isn’t easy. If I keep on suppressing myself from thinking, it’s as if I’m lying to myself. And though as time goes by it will become my truth, still I would back track to that the same moment that I fail. It will just keep hurting me.

I want to acknowledge these negative thoughts. It is not because I want to feel bad about myself or that I want other people to pity or to put attention to myself. Don’t get me wrong but although I am bummer, I don’t want any attention- lime-lighting kind of attention. It is just that for me, sadness could be comforting sometimes. Vulnerability is something that makes me human. I think it is also my purpose to acknowledge that.

To be sad about something is much easier than to look for something to be happy about. This world is like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Deceiving. There’s so much good in it but you would also know that there are consequences. The happiness just fades away as soon as you can taste the bitterness. Suddenly, you have forgotten how a sweet life taste.

I am not encouraging depression. But for me, there something priceless you’ll find in experiencing that shear reality of vulnerability.