Bummer

Dear,

Do you know that feeling when you just feel not doing anything for the day? Well, I kind of had that one today.

I was really lazy to the extent of watching Friends the whole day. (except for the times when I had to go to school for 4 hours)

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Way to go, self!

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I felt tired, lazy, and sick even though I was not. I just really want to finish our thesis because I really want to chill guilt free.

It’s like I lost motivation to move forward. We actually had this second screening for Analog Devices Techno week due next Friday. I was really hyped up until tonight when I saw that the other thesis group who had our adviser too got their paper published in IEEE. I did not envy them. If anything I am discourage. Not to the fact that they’re good but because we are not that good. And we didn’t had that opportunity that they had.

I know that’s not a logical reason to get discouraged. They had that opportunity and we have this one. Its just that it seems our adviser is more confident on them than with us. I know we are not that smart but its kind of bumming me out. I hope they gave all of the thesis group a shot in that conference. But anyway whatever they call only the smartest ones so we won’t waste anybody’s time.

Sigh. I wish  somehow somebody would put their confidence on me. I hope someday someone would put their trust on me and say that I can do it. Its really nice to hear words of affirmation and compliment once in awhile.

I am praying I’ll get that tomorrow. haha

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So anyway I am happy for those who had their paper published. It’s certainly something to be proud of. I pray someday I’ll make people proud.

Better get moving.

Feeling tired and hopeful,
P.

Just an update

Wow how long has it been already since I wrote something in here (and in a hardcopy journal)? It’s again a struggle to find time to write about what happened to my life for almost everyday. It is even hard to try once a month.

But anyway, I’m here again. Despite the rush of my academic and social life(as if I had one), I’m glad I am writing this now. Well, supposedly I should be doing our thesis right no. But I’ve been doing my part for weeks already with futile results and I swear if I ever see tonight another syntax on web development I’ll have a mental breakdown. Seriously, this thesis making got me really stressed. Although, I wasn’t at first but as the final defense draws nearer I freak out more each day. I am also getting frustrated in doing my part because it is really difficult and I still don’t have results and since I do not major in web development. I had to do the studying of all these codes and whatsoever. I am just a little happy because after all these, at least I gained a new skill. Yeaaaayyy!

I really wanted to learn new skills like writing using my left hand or maybe photographic memory or play an instrument. I just don’t have the luxury of time. I even get guilty sometimes when I get rest because there is this pending to-do things for our thesis and I still have to study for exams. Ugh gosh!

I promise if ever I’m done with all of these I’ll do whatever things I wish to do. No guilt trip.

But for now, I need to rest because it has been a tiring day. And if I do something academic related its going to be unproductive anyway. I think that’s all for now. I pray I’ll be able to write tomorrow too. 🙏

Ciao,
P.

General Answer to a Specific Question

It is unsettling when people don’t tell you the truth.

I mean, when you ask them they would answer with a general answer. I wonder if my questions are too general to start with.

It’s crazy because it’s like they don’t want me to be with them or they are hiding something.

I know I may not be a really close friend but I just hope people would answer you truthfully. I wouldn’t even force myself to be with the group. I know you are in a different level than mine. I know I suck and I am boring.

Sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong or what. But I don’t recall of having too much interaction with them to lead to making a mistake. I don’t know.

Maybe I’m just too lame for them.

See, I get so self pity. I hate it. I know I should not feel that way.

Maybe they’re telling the truth or they don’t want to offend me too much. Or I don’t know.

I hope I can just let this go easily.

So stupid of me to even think about it.

I don’t wear make-up

I don’t do make up not because I don’t like it.

It actually improves your face. So I like it in some considerable way.

But I don’t wear make up because I don’t know how to do it

I just mess everything up just like how I mess up my life.

I get uneven results even if I do it in the day light.

I don’t do make up because I don’t know how to maintain it

I will accidentally forget I had one on and just brush the paints away.

It is hard maintaining your face once you use a make up.

Since you had to keep your face clean afterwards. And I really hate delaying

my appointment to bed just because I had to cleanse my face.

I want to have make up but I am scared of allergies and pimples. I don’t know how to treat it kindly.

I don’t know how to avoid it all.

But if I had to use, I would choose a hypoallergenic make-ups or that is cannot

be easily erased.

I like putting eye liner to other people. But it is hard to put one on mine.

But I haven’t mastered that art yet. However I am satisfied to the stage I am in

I don’t use make up not because I am a man.

But it can be expensive and I don’t want to spend my money on such things.

And I don’t want to settle with bad qualities.

I don’t use make up because I am lazy to put it on everyday.

and most of all

I avoid wearing make up

because I am scared when people get used to your face having make up

that when you decide to show your bare face

they’ll get shocked but mostly their expression is with disgust

The Amazing Spiderman Mind Battle

To my surprise, I am still in denial about the death of Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy in The Amazing Spiderman. She should not die because Andrew Garfield and her is perfect and no one should come in between. 

I just hope she would still be MJ in part 3 and not Shailene Woodley. My gosh. No way.

Anyway, I just had to say it because I don’t think anyone would understand my sentiment to such petty things. I just can’t get over it.

 

Struggle.

I don’t know why it has become a constant struggle to trust someone. I’ve never been able to submit myself freely to the protection of a person. It is all natural, for me, to have that slightest or maybe the minute of suspicion.

Even now, I think, though that someone keeps telling me to just trust him/her. I just can’t. It seems like I always find my way to discover something that will keep me away from him. Though I will promise to myself and to that person that I’ll start trusting back, I just can’t. It seems like this person is giving me reasons not to trust. I will eventually discover that he’s hiding something, or maybe missing out a detail, or something like that.

I can’t stand why someone can’t be honest with his feelings, with his relations, with his  life. I don’t know why they have to miss out just a single detail. I don’t know why can’t people be just honest…

Sometimes their alibi might be just to protect you from being hurt or jealous. But if you know that it is not right, then why still do it? If you know that the person is going to get hurt then why do it? Why do it if you know you’ve found the right person? Why lie? Why deny? Why?

Is it worth it? Is it worth to be hiding something from the person you claim to love?

Why? Isn’t the person you claim to love not enough for you? Why do you have to do that?

And then they say that love is putting yourself aside for that someone’s benefit. It is not minding your desires but the desire you share for each other.

Love is a verb and I don’t think if that’s what everybody is doing.

So I guess, please just don’t blame me if I become so cynical about a person sometimes. I think this is the best way to protect myself from anything- from any hurt.