I’ve been really thinking a lot about how my college life, academically speaking, went. Sometimes I would caught myself staring to nothingness and just realized that I was such a horrible student. I would blank out and just experience a sudden change of mood- from something cheerful to something close to depression. I keep thinking about my mistakes and regrets. And yes I know I should stop thinking about it; that I should be focusing on the things I learned or those mistakes just made me strong. But it isn’t easy. If I keep on suppressing myself from thinking, it’s as if I’m lying to myself. And though as time goes by it will become my truth, still I would back track to that the same moment that I fail. It will just keep hurting me.
I want to acknowledge these negative thoughts. It is not because I want to feel bad about myself or that I want other people to pity or to put attention to myself. Don’t get me wrong but although I am bummer, I don’t want any attention- lime-lighting kind of attention. It is just that for me, sadness could be comforting sometimes. Vulnerability is something that makes me human. I think it is also my purpose to acknowledge that.
To be sad about something is much easier than to look for something to be happy about. This world is like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Deceiving. There’s so much good in it but you would also know that there are consequences. The happiness just fades away as soon as you can taste the bitterness. Suddenly, you have forgotten how a sweet life taste.
I am not encouraging depression. But for me, there something priceless you’ll find in experiencing that shear reality of vulnerability.