It was my first day to attend that particular class. I was absent for a few sessions since I am having hard time juggling my internship and that class. (Fortunately, as of today I’m done with my internship).
I was really in a hurry. I am running late and on that day, we’ll have our first quiz. I had to ride three vehicles just to reach to my boarding house to change and go directly to school.
To make things worse, I entered a room classroom. I saw that the people weren’t the people I excepted them to be. My friends were there and I am really sure I am not in that class. For an irregular, it is such a pain to not have your friends as your classmates. Anyway, so I told them I am running late and I don’t know what room is our class. I struggled hard looking for my study load in my bag. Finally, I got the hold of it and ran to class.
It was really funny because if I was to observe myself from afar, I could tell that I am really struggling hard.
I reached the classroom and hoping that it didn’t started yet. I opened slowly the door to not bother anyone. But of course, the door got stuck and so I had to pull it harder to open it. As soon as I exerted all my efforts, I slowly made my way to the back of the room where there was no seat. The teacher was already taking the attendance and I had to make to my INVISIBLE seat before he would call my family name. I could see him, watch me as I try hard not to make any noise. I don’t actually know if I did get the attendance that day or not. I didn’t bother. I am too tired to think about it at that moment.
And so, the back row people really left a space for my INVISIBLE chair. Well because I don’t really want to actually sit on an invisible chair, I painfully took the broken seat at the corner of the classroom. I had no other choice. I don’t want to go out and search for another seat. So, I drag the broken seat to that space.
It wasn’t actually that broken. The arm of the chair was the one broken but it was still present there and it cannot be detached. I tried but with negative results. I had to adjust to that God-forsaken chair because the exam was going to start any time soon.
But of all the buts, the teacher just continued with a discussion. It was a bittersweet feeling. It was a relief because I haven’t really studied about the lessons yet. It was a painful one because I had to go through all those ninja moves just to arrive in that room with the complete parts of my body. This teacher doesn’t really know how it feels like to be student I guess. In my broken seat, I was thinking that maybe he was always a teacher’s pet and he doesn’t have to work that much for his grades. Maybe partly because he was really intelligent.
I calmed myself down so that I can listen to the discussion. Instead, my sweat that was furiously dripping off my forehead was really bother me. I could hear my lungs taking in the effects of all those running. And my heart, oh my heart, was really beating really fast. I was really uneasy. I couldn’t concentrate.
Add to it is the humiliation you get, when sitting on a chair where no one else would seat. Imagine, the whole class stared at you as you slowly drag that chair and you sit on it. I don’t actually know what they’re thinking but in my mind, I guess they were already perplexed on my actions. Maybe they were thinking that they would never do that. Or maybe they’re thinking that I really deserve that for being late. Or maybe they took pity of me but wouldn’t dare to trade chairs with me. Who would do that anyway?
So, I was just there. Present but not actually participating. I was in my own mind palace. Filtering the noise of my teacher and my classmates. And I could feel annoyance and the irritating feeling of feelings crept to me. I only have myself to be blamed for this situation.
I was there present on a chair of shame. I could really feel the shame and humiliation. I was really there. And I know I could not erase that. I just hope to fade away at that moment. I hope I am already forgotten. But no, I was there and I could really feel the earth beneath me. I could feel some eyes questioning if I am comfortable with my seat or not. Of course not. I am not entirely pleased with it.
Nevertheless, at that moment, I realized how hard it is to be really down and humiliated. It is a tough world, especially if no one would really dare to help you because they might be reprimanded by a higher being for being nice and all. No one would dare trade his or her position so that you could be in a comfortable seat. No one would and that’s a shame because I hold on to humanity as much as possible until then.
I think in their defense, the situation was quite crucial because the teacher might get irritated with all the commotion and all.
But all I’m pointing out is, how com it is really hard to help? How come being low or humble or maybe having humility could be so painful?
It is really indeed a tough world, with tough questions and choices.