Settled.

So it’s settled.

(c) http://icimdekibaliklar.tumblr.com/image/40119016119
(c) http://icimdekibaliklar.tumblr.com/image/40119016119

But don’t get me wrong. I am not the kind of girl who would go with just anyone. I am articulate. Meticulous with people. But there’s the one person whom I would provide an exemption. I cannot refuse the offer. Not because I like him. Not because I want to experience something with him. But it is all because I want to study him. Maybe not study. Maybe because I just want to know him. Fully.  Maybe because I am searching for something I don’t even know where to start looking for. And so it is settled. I am going. I will know him.

I went early. I don’t want to bother him fetching me. I don’t want to wait. It makes me anxious. It makes me feel like eternity. Impatient. Yes, I am impatient. I cannot stand waiting and I cannot let anyone wait for me. And so I went to the place early. Although I know I might be waiting for an hour or so, I just want to adjust myself to the atmosphere of the place. I want to feel comfortable.

Ah yes! Comfort. I want to feel like I am in control. I will not feel nervous or that butterfly in my stomach. I don’t want to be impassive nor to be too eager, I just want to be sure that I am comfortable. That is just my concern at the moment.

I got my coffee and placed myself at the table outside somewhere in  the left side of the coffee shop. I picked the last table of the row. At the spot, I will not be easily seen but I can see the people inside and people who are coming in the café. I can observe people from here. I can see their reactions and actions to things around them.

I smiled.

The world indeed does not revolved around you. It merely sees you. It is just present there. Minding its own business. And you are there. Just a tiny speck, sitting and waiting that somehow the world will recognize you- that you exists, that you are living.

I smiled as I am observing how the world revolves inside that medium-sized coffee shop. So much life and yet there are still some people who looks troublesome, sad. Maybe it is because they’re thinking how will they pass while studying that 1 million paged book. Or maybe because they’re thinking about their work, how their boss treats them badly, or how the pay is not enough to sustain his luxuries or needs. Or maybe because they’re thinking of their family- their troubled family or their children or their complicated relationship with friends.
Or maybe because they’re thinking of that one person who broke their heart. Maybe they’re thinking of the what-ifs. Maybe they’re thinking of who’s to blame or to just forget everything. But their look resembles countless nights of reflection and tears. I can see their eyes filled with questions- mostly the unanswered one. “Am I being punished? Or Am I just going to be the worst lover ever?” I can see their regret, their hurt, their struggle.

I can see brokenness masked with that impassive stare.

I looked my watch and saw that I am indeed early. I am 30 minutes early. Great more time to observe and get lessons from these people from afar. I positioned myself comfortably so that I won’t be mistaken as a stalker.

But this plan to observe people got cut our immediately when my friend, the whom I will have a coffee with, arrived. He went inside the café. Searching for a familiar face. I just watched him. From afar he looks like someone who would never ever hang out with me. I just think so. I smiled. This friend looks really clueless of where I am, but I do not dare to call him out. He looked at his phone. But as soon as he placed it on his ear he caught me by the left side of the café. He walked out and went near me.

So, it is settled. I’ll be here this evening with this guy. Discussing, conversing about life- more specifically his life or maybe mine. It is not an interview. We just want to know each other. We want to be part of each others life. It’s like talking to someone opens up a part of you and letting that person have it for them to take care of. It is like a little juicy secret you want him to know and that you two may be able to figure out.

We started with the comfortable ones. Hi, hello, how are you? Did you want a sandwich or something? Hey you’re too early. You too. Stuff like that. Nothing in particular. And then there was a sudden silence after that small laugh. And we smiled. It was  not an awkward kind. It was a moment to breathe- a transition to more deeper conversation. And because I don’t want to be boring and I want to prove to that person I am in control, I asked him.

I asked him about his self. I asked him to tell me everything. His fears, his doubts, his happiness, everything. I asked him about his heart aches. Did women hurt him? Was he betrayed? I asked him sincerely- honestly about things that other people are too afraid to ask. I felt brave to do so but at the same time vulnerable that he might ask the same questions to me.

He smiled back first and sighed. Then he started to embark on his life’s journey. I was indeed eager. It was a journey down to his own memory lane. He told me his earthquakes and storms in life. He told me about the cloud nine feeling of first kiss and things like that. He shared about his dreams and aspirations. He told me about his freedom. He is indeed free- free to tell me everything, no inhibitions at all. I admire that freedom. I was looking at that person and imagined a person without any regret, a person with hope and full of love.

And there I was full of amazement. I am jealous. I envy this person. I cannot be any of him.

And he asked me back. Asked me about my life, my secrets and how I managed to direct my ship on stormy seas. He asked me how I have become brave to face my monsters?

Me? Brave? Give me a break. I cannot be that person.

I started by defending that I am still with my monsters and I haven’t stopped fighting for the was isn’t over yet. I started to recount may battle. Comparing mine with him. I recounted the many times I’ve made a wrong decision and regret every action. I was hopeless- sad, troubled.

I looked at him. He was still having that look of sincerity. Non-judgmental. He has this smile, not the haha-you’re-so-weak smile. It was a smile that tells me that I am completely wrong. But he never dared to interrupt. He listened patiently. Nodding when I asked him for confirmation.

He was really listening. And I was really overwhelmed by that action. I did not expect anyone to listen to my bashes- to my undying sad sentiments. It feels like he was really interested. It was not forcefully. It was natural. As if he was born to do this.

I continued to poured my dreams and fears. I cannot be like this person. I am a person of sadness- sorrow. A person of doubts and insecurities. A pessimist. The loveless one.

I stopped and stared at my now cold coffee.

I can hear the silence now.

I looked at him and he was smiling. That knowing kind of smile.

And he started to speak.

He told me I was all wrong. He assured me about the strength I have gained through those battles. And those battles were just trainings to the real ones. He told me that I was never sad, that I was just thinking about sorrow. He told me that I was not hopeless but that I am just thinking hopelessly. He told me that I am not hated but I am loved. He told me that all these negative things I’m saying are just on my mind. He told me that I did not made the wrong decisions, but I just made a wrong choice of perspective. He told me that I was not alone. That although I push people away from me, he is still there ready when I needed help. He acknowledged the fact that I want to be independent. That I want to draw from my own strength. He knew my weakness. But he never dared to utter a single word of judgment. He was merely drawing conclusions from my story. He wasn’t comforting me but he is making me realize.

He made me realize who I am by not telling me things I should have done. He figured me out even before I did. And then he smiled.

It was not a knowing smile. It was a smile of care. It was a smile of free person who wants to share that same freedom to me.

He wanted me to be free of the monsters I created. He wanted me to draw a new free amazing world with him.

And I smiled back knowing I also figured this person out. I know the exact reason why I’m here with him in this cold, drizzling night. I know exactly why I said yes. He helped me figured out my puzzle I simply cannot solve. I know exactly who he is and he knows me. And tonight, that’s all that matters.

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